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jamie_decalious's journal
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jamie_decalious' Journal  Today I got to thinking about all my past relationships. None of them were good enough to be successful. I wasn’t good enough period. Maybe it’s because I’m not a successful person in general. I depend on others to control what I should do next in life, when it should be me with that pen in my hand writing that to do list. I miss him more than life itself sometimes. It’s mostly at night though and never during the day. He creeps into my dreams. And of course in each dream, I have him again. It was like nothing had even happened. I was happy, he was happy and that was that. Then as soon as I’m happy, I wake up. I wake up alone. Sometimes crying, sometimes smiling. He was the best one out of all of them so far. Michael. Nobody can ever compare to him. He was perfect. I’m not perfect. I think that is why I let him go. He needs to be with that perfect girl. Goodbye my love. For I will always remember the times we had and would have had. I can’t tell exactly how my life will end up because I can’t predict the future, but as far as I know now, its not going to be a very good end. I’m not me. I haven’t been me since I moved to this town. But can I blame a small town? I can only blame myself. I let things get to me. Do I really know how to laugh? Are my smiles real? I like to think so. It’s my comfort to think so. I don’t want to be fake. Being fake is so overrated. I need to find a muse in my life. I need to find something that will keep me going everyday. Something to wake up to and make me realize that every morning is worth it. I want to be worth it. I want to prove others wrong. I hate fear. It’s what is holding me back from this life. Fear is strong and powerful. It’s hard to overcome. I’m jealous of the people that can look it in the eye and over power it. It kills me in fact. I want to know why I’m here. Why was I put here, in this world, this body, this town, this mind setting. I feel like I was here to just keep fucking up. Or is that what my mind is telling me? I think so. I hope so. I hope it’s not my heart telling me to keep fucking up. Well wait; do I even have a heart? I think I lost it…or it’s just too broke to beat. The blood that runs through my veins is cold, never warm. Why is that? I wish I knew. What I would give to know. Then sometimes I amaze myself. Boy, do I love that last sentence. Sometimes I can look at my life and laugh at it and just put it away in a heart shaped box for it to never be opened again. Until that moment when all my life is put together, like a five hundred piece puzzle. Nothing is out of order, the pieces all fit perfectly and the picture is clear and beautiful. Sometimes I say to myself, when you have the power to laugh at yourself for your faults, then you are a strong person. I can laugh at my faults. Does it make me a strong person? Sure. I can laugh all I want, but the true meaning behind that statement is that you have to laugh learn and love your faults. Don’t let history repeat itself. okay so after people said they wanted to raise livejournal from the dead, i decide to finally post a entry. yupp... summer has been amazing. i have some of the most amazing friends.. shout out to you people. i started hanging out with some old friends this summer.. i like it..not gonna lie. molly :) school soon... kinda scared, kinda not. then im excited.. yeah rancid and his bride are treating me some what better.. me and pauly are gonna hang out when he comes back from wisconsin.. im really stoked about that because yeah i miss him. to my hot bitches... steph, lindsey, stace and the new one.. molly. i love you. haha repub! okay, so... this summer i have realized that i have been way too far way for way too long due to a series of unfortunate events that has happened in my life. im sorry i was MIA for the year and half... plus another half of year for the evil events that has eaten my life. i am happy that most of you have forgiven me. thank you. i'm gonna miss you people who have to move back to school.. it sucks. i love you all. moviefan87 i have myself a mr. big. beautiful. okay so david and i had a conversation tonight about death. yes not a good conversation to have, but it somehow made me realize a few things. for every life, there is death. and for every death, there is life. in my lifetime, the 19 years i have lived, i have expierenced death 15 times. maybe not myself in a death situation, but seeing or hearing about someone whom i love dearly die. yes this is an odd entry so far. but what had brought this on was a bad car accident i had seen on the way home tonight. the car was completely smashed and the person inside was completely stuck in the front seat and pushed up against the steering wheel. he had to have firemen get him out. and just seeing that made me think... my mind is still at wonder. life is so short. and everyone dies too soon. the good and the bad. so i work everyday now. and go to school at the same time. im so stressed beyond belief. i wonder what it would be like to sleep for 20 years and wake up..just like rip van winkle. im going to grcc next fall. davenport fucked me over big time. damn them. lala hanging out with josh tonight, which shall be fun, i think. i want to dance on the floor do you type really fast? hmmm do you/did you like high school? yes, but not some of the people. how old are you? 19 do you know anyone who has the same birthday as you? if so name them? caroline frens favorite pen color? black what word do you constantly misspell when typing? definally? idk do you have trees in your yard? yes name one comedian that everyone thinks is funny but you absolutely cannot stand: blue collar comedy tour name one director you hate and tell why: mel gibson, he's a douche do you like tim burton? more than life itself what annoys you more than anything? life if you woke up tomorrow morning as the opposite sex, what would you do first? wtf favorite show on nickelodeon (can be from the late 80's/early 90's when nick was good): all of them! did you watch are you afraid of the dark? hell ya did zeebo the clown scare you? YES where do you vacation every summer? its usually the east coast do you like the beach? very much so. do you tan or burn easily? depends if you could make one celebrity magically disappear, who would it be? tom cruise how is life treating you? really good do people like you? i dont care if they do or dont what do you think it is that makes the "popular" people popular? who gives a shit. they mount to nothing when they are out of high school are you using a pc or mac? PC do you like chunky peanut butter? ew no what amazes you about the opposite sex? everything...if they are nice. are you in love with anyone? i love someone yes. but to be in love, it will take a little longer do you like anyone? si if so, who? tyler why do you like them/why are you in love with them? – awesome and sweet. has a great sense of humor. favorite cereal: LUCKY CHARMS!!! name a movie that makes you cry: garden state what's something you like about the opposite sex, physically, that your friends think is odd? idk. is it true that only the good die young? it depends if so, are you going to live forever or die soon? how in the hell do i know? do you live for today? i try. how fast can you run? fast as the wind hahaha favorite band from the 60's/70's: led zeppelin, the doors, pink floyd...more and more... have any of your friends had kids as teenagers? yes. were you even born in the 80's? yes what year? 1987 have you ever taught a little kid a curse word? thats my job! if so which one was it? haha all of them. do you think little boys are horrendously ill behaved? as they get older they get more bitchier have you ever thrown anything at a moving car? you have not lived if you havent... name a villian in a movie that scared you when you were a kid: chucky have you seen the original friday the thirteenth? yes the original chucky? yes the original halloween? yes what's your favorite channel? disney channel! what do you say when you stub your toe off of the corner of the coffee table? fuck me what's the highest thing you've ever jumped off of and landed unharmed? a bed. does it snow where you live? yes if yes, do you go sled riding? when i was a kid have you ever used anything weird, like a frisbee or a trashcan lid, for a sled? hahaha. do holidays make you festive? halloween and christmas magazines you subscribe to? seventeen and teen vogue.. call me girly i know... do you read the supermarket tabloids? its my guilest pleasure have you ever smashed somebody's halloween pumpkin? no ever had yours smashed? no do you celebrate christmas? yes ever had a hot teacher? yes... AB... sighhhh if yes, did you flirt with him/her? thats going overboard. how do you treat people you are attracted to? be myself. what do you want for your birthday this year? it already passed have you ever egged somebody's house? uhh no has someone ever egged yours? no what pisses you off more than anything in the world? republicans do you still go trick or treating? i didnt last year :( do you believe in santa claus? no have you ever worked in a supermarket? no how about a restaurant? yes what color is your bedspread? moons and stars do your eyes change colors? no do you believe that we walked on the moon? yes do you live by yourself? no have you ever gotten a computer virus? yes.. the tojan! AHHH haha if so, what was it and how did you get rid of it? wtf... norton describe your junior high/middle school gym teacher: stupid and bald how do you react when someone is talking to you --up in your face--: idk. what was your first date like? haha fun! thanks kirk! did you go/are you going to the prom? yes and hopefully this year with ally and lauren! if you've already gone, was it good or bad? explain why: it was alright. i would redo it. are you a vegetarian? mostly how about vegan? no if no to both, do you think you could be? haha just a vegetarian have you ever given up a certain type of food? if so, what was it and why did you do it? its usually the food i throw up that i end up giving up for awhile.. spit out a random song lyric for me. make sure you tell me the name of the song and who sings it! blue jean baby, LA lady, she married music man.. haha tiny dancer elton john who does the chores around your house? yes name one person who annoys you more than anyone else, and tell why? hahaha... what movie could you watch a million times and never get tired of? any 80's movie and freaky friday what movie have you watched a million times, and you still laugh at the jokes? igby goes down what movie do you hope you never see again? idk... have you ever hugged a stuffed animal or pillow and pretended that it was your significant other, or someone you had a crush on, and then someone caught you talking to it, and stroking its soft, fuzzy fur, and laughed at you and told the whole school? what? lol do you drive? si if so, do you like to drive at night or in the day time? day has anyone ever called you a bitch? yes has anyone ever called you an asshole? yes are you a bitch/asshole? i can be what's the first thing you do when you get home from school/work? sleep favorite pop tart flavor: blueberry do you play any musical instruments? flute lol tell me about the best school-related activity you ever took part in: deca.. LMAO cecelia and tara and ktf! have you ever built a snowman? yes did you cry when it melted, or when the kid next door knocked its head off with a shovel? no what's your religion? religion can be a label. i am nothing. do you try to force it on other people? no, never would i do that do you knock on people's doors at 7 a.m. on saturdays, trying to give them a pamphlet and tell them about the lord, or ask random people at the mall if they’ve been saved, yet you think that doesn’t count as forcing religion, you son of a bitch? what??? LMAO what an idea what's the best restaurant you've ever eaten at? sanchez have you ever been flipping channels late at night and caught a glimpse of some porn on skinemax? no if so, did you watch it? don't say no, i know you did? no im against that shit what's the code word or phrase you and your friends use for the word SEX? cash money? idk wtf hahaha is sex an uncomfortable topic for you? yes what is the one thing in the world that just looking at it makes you vomit, or come close to it? life when other people vomit, does it make you sick? sometimes do your clothes match? yes what are you wearing right now? pjs did you ever have those fisher price roller skates that go over top of your shoes? yes! and the wheels really didnt work did you have a bike with a banana seat? no, but i wish! have you lived in the same house your entire life? nope what’s the weirdest thing you’ve lived next to? the little girl in the apartment i lived in when i was 2. who is the ugliest person you’ve ever seen? LMAO you really want to know? do you watch talk shows? sometimes, i guess. what are your thoughts on keeping animals in captivity? umm not a fan, but keeping like dogs outside 24/7 is rotten what do you think of all the “superstores” that are popping up everywhere? (super walmart, super k-mart, super target)? love em' okay question. why is it when you feel so loved, you always feel so empty? why can't high school could have been just like it was in fast times at ridgemont high? i need a reason...a reason to stay. 1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT? haha uhh 2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM? happiness 3. WHAT DOES YOUR CELL PHONE LOOK LIKE? looks like a cell phone 4. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO? anything that i like to hear 5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN? 8:21 PM 6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW? can't say :( 7. WHAT DO YOU MISS? soo much. 8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED aquaris 10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC? haha oh yeahh 11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK? nope 12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY? ... 13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOGNE / PERFUME? paris hilton 14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX? it really dont matter. 15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO? i havn't really thought about that 16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK? coffee all the way 17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING? onions!! 18. IF YOU CAN EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE? haha potatoes 19. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD? steph? 20. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU? idk 21. DO YOU LIKE ANYBODY? yes 23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED? yes in my fingers 24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND? it dont matter. 25. WHAT'S YOUR DREAM CAR? BMW 26. DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW? 2 dogs: philly and cleo and 2 guinea pigs: oliver twist and wednesday addams 27. WHAT KIND IS IT? mutt terrier and sheltie. and one medium haired guinea and one short 28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING? love is unpredictable 29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU? in many ways 30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED: 43 31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES? i really dont care 32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL OFTEN? pauly, ally or lauren 33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST? life in general 34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA? sadly no... 35. YOUR WEAKNESSES? food 37. FIRST JOB? babysitting 38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL? haha yes. aronld calls lol 40. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY WHAT WOULD IT BE? against it. 41. WHY DID YOU FILL OUT THIS SURVEY? procastion of my homework. 42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST? my hair lately 43. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL? really dont care. 44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY? i dont do birthdays 45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT? i dont think about that stuff. 46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? uhh no 47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? always 48. WHAT DID YOU DO THIS MORNING? woke up at ally's 49. WHAT DID YOU LAST EAT? a potatoe! 50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? haha no 51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? i really dont like meat 52. ANY BAD HABITS? i am the bad habit 53. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF? nysnc 54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOURSELF? haha maybe 55. HAVE YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL? it happens. but i dont do it anymore. i grew up. 56. DO LOOKS MATTER? not really 57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER? through my bipolar episodes.. 58. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME? emily's apartment or my grandmas. 59. WTF? foo 60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? barbies 61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE? 60 63. DO YOU USE SARCASM? haha oh boy do i ever 64. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT? yes 65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL? sense of humor 66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? jambers, james.. so forth 70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITEICE CREAM FLAVOR? superman!! 72. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE COLOR(S)? green, orange, yellow 73. WHO/WHAT DO YOU MISS MOST RIGHT NOW? .... 74. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE? 4 75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS? idk 76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO? nothing 77. LAST THING YOU DRANK? pop...eww 78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? pauly 79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX? eyes 80. FAVORITE THOUGHT PROVOKING SONG? k 81. FAVORITE THING TO HATE? punk bands 82. FAVORITE DRINK(S)? coffee...and orange juice 83. FAVORIE ZODIAC SIGN: i really dont care 84. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SPORT? baseball 85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR? blonde.. dirty blonde. idk 86. EYE COLOR? dark brown 87. HEIGHT? 5'4 88. FAVORITE ANIMAL? dogs and manatees 89. FAVORITE MONTH? october 90. YOU LIKE SUSHI? very much so 91. LAST THING YOU WATCHED? the simpsons 92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? october 31 93. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT? haha yes 94. SUMMER OR WINTER? summer 95. KISSES OR HUGS? hugs 96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS? wtf. relationships 97. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? food 98. WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS? idk 99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? the life of david gale 100. ANYONE LIKE YOU? i hope so.. i dont want people to hate me lol some weird things has happened to me over the past few days.. i actually talked to mike. it was a nice talk, i guess. things are probably going to remain the same as they always were, but maybe might improve.. idk i hope they improve. its hard to tell... steph i called you last night!! i think i knew were you were... ;) ...but i really needed ya.. please do call me this weekend. i feel like such a fat ass. and i love carey and emily lots and lots. |
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